Study time

I'm working on an essay right now at Aaron's house. I have a cold. So does he.

He went downstairs to make himself a grilled cheese and to make me some soup. He just came in here with a bowl of soup on a plate, surrounded by baby carrots, two little pieces of toast and an "almond crisp".


What a love-y!!

"I'm so stuuuuuupid!"

School is going alright. Pretty okay.

But, its almost over... and I know everyone has to go through this, "okay, so what do I do now?" ...But I am freaking out.

The two years I have been gradually thinking more and more, "what do I want to do? What am I actually good at? What do I like? What can I afford..."

And... I have nothing. I have one thing. I want to act. I want to go to theatre school... but, I definitely don't have twenty thousand dollars. I pay for everything myself. Am I really going to take out a loan and start my life in debt? Am I too scared anyways? What if the school sucks. What if I am horrible? What if it amounts to nothing and then I've started my life fifteen thousand dollars in the hole.

If I had millions, I would go. For sure. But I would also go to teachers college, and do a masters... However, I obviously do not.

I don't know if it's really the money, or the fear... or a real... just... lack of passion for anything anymore.

I used to be so sure of myself.

Champagne Birthday

Please excuse the fact that this entry will literally sound like a little girl's diary entry...

Yesterday was my birthday!! Yaaay!

Aaron and I left for camping at Awenda on Monday and got home around 745 last night, so I got to spend half of my birthday camping/beaching and the other at home avec (most of) ma famille!

Camping was splendid of course-- beautiful weather and a great site. Buuuuut! Aaron cut his hand with an ax(e) [whichever you prefer] and we had to go to the local hospital so he could get three stitches!! Wooooo! Very exciting and scary- I almost threw up when he first showed me the wound. However- now he'll have a super badass scar.

At midnight on my birthday Aaron brought out a lovely little bottle of champagne and we toasted to my birthday at the campsite. It was adorable and delicious, actually. He made a very romantic little speech... it was perfect.

The morning brought a smiley wake-up and Aaron's first gift!! A beautiful silver bracelet! It's beautiful and just what I would have chosen. The last beach day was overcast, but warm and beautiful-- and Aaron actually got a pretty bad burn that day. He's in pain. And red as a tomaaaaaato!!! Oh! And we went into town to buy me a new copy of Lord of the Rings [well, we went in for the hospital first], so I also got to read that on our last beach day, which was vair fun. I feel slightly ridiculous, but also slightly badass reading it hahah.

Aaron's gifts to me:
1. Lovely bracelet
2. Pouch of deeelicious tea from DavidsTea
3. First Eminem CD ahaha
4. Adorable yellow (solar powered) reading lamp
5. Metric poster-- yet to arrive

And then this morning!!!
1. Fucking delicious breakfast
2. DavidsTea mug complete with a tea infuser
3. Aluminum free body shop deoderant
4. Also deeelicious tin of flavoured earl grey from DavidsTea

My mummy also got me some lovely jewelery, fancy hangers, a cupcake set, Rome and Paris travel books and expeeeeeeensive champagne! $40 for a little bottle! Oh mummy, you doll you! We felt very classy.

Oooh and I got two cakes! A delish stanley cake from my Mum and sister and a yummy yummy Marble Slab cake from Aar.

All in all, wonderful, wonderful birthday and today has been an excellent, excellent post birthday!!!

And to top it all off... my subscription to National Geographic came in!

Weekend Extravaganza

Had my first entire weekend off in what seems like forever!

Aaron and I went to Wonderland, we redecorated, we went bowling, went to America to shop, celebrated Dave's grad aaand played Super Smash bros every night before bed haha. It was fantastic. We haven't been able to do much lately because I've been so busy with work. It was also nice because Aaron started sork today!! It's only for a month, but now we'll both be busy busy.

So what about Canada day? Berry picking? Beach? Aaron and I are still planning. Hopefully we'll catch fireworks this time.

You know, I really do love this boy. It amazes me how much we laugh- we spend the majority of our time together laughing! And at nothing! At eachother- at dumb noises and stupid faces.

I told Aaron my writing idea and he loved it. He genuinely loved it! I've had this idea for years and never said anything to anyone. Grade 12 made me kind of... forget that I too like writing, and movies, and that I wanted to do creative things for a living. I guess the guys kind of inadvertently made me feel like it was their territory and that I had to find something else. Well- actually Wade always encouraged me to write.

Here goes!

Plans

Work, work, work. The worst part is, I'm definitely not saving enough. New plan. At the end of each day, I'm going to put whatever change I have in a jar- at the end of that week, that change is going into a different jar, along with $5. Hoepfully I can get Aaron to do this with me and we can start to saaaave up for more adventures. More Paris. More Canada. More err'thang.

But what am I doing post university? I thought I knew!

Astronomy is bloooowing my mind, by the way. I looove reading that text book. I feel like I am learning the craziest things.

Finally this week I have some free nights. The past two weeks my schedule has been:
Monday work til 930
Tuesday school til 8- 9, by the time I'm home
Wednesday work til 930
Thursday school til 8/9
Friday work til 930
Saturday work til 630
Sunday work til 5

Wooo mama.

This sunday. This sunday is going to be big.

xx

Lucky!

I'm so lucky!

1. boyfriend who loves me
2. lovely mum
3. sisters who talk to me
4. brooke for the weekend!
5. friends- think quality not quantity
6. two good jobs
7. not poor
8. laugh a lot
9. cute dog!
10. no lava in my house, no flood, no big badness
11. food, clothing, shelter, water!
12. I can read! I'm decently smart, too!
13. Dad may be dead, but was a sick one!!
14. Lost friends- better to have loved and lost, right??
15. Not obese
16. Healthy!
17. Two laptops- one baby one (cute)
18. Curb your enthusiasm... hello!
19. Lived in England!!!
20. Not ugly!


Seeeeee...

Romance

Things that make me happy right now:

1. breaks-- aka soup at Tim's in order to escape the chill of work
2. survivor-- i know, right?
3. the bus ride to work
4. funny conversations with new co-workers
5. the idea of camping
6. the rare times I see Poppy or Sam-- we're busy!
7. the possibility of astronomy being good
8. buying clothes
9. being with Aaron/ Aaron in general

Unhappy:

1. lonely in Oakville
2. work tiredness
3. no idea what I want for the future
4. boredom in Oakville
5. loss of friends
6. the fact that I will probably never really hang out with these co-workers
7. wanting to go outside, but having nothing to do
8. dependency
9. eating habits
10. I came home
11. next year
12. death
13. the week
14. not being able to hang out with Aaron
15. realizing I'm not as cool as I once was... or maybe was... or thought I was, at least! lolz
16. not knowing how to deal with all of this
17. realizing I really was once happy-go-lucky-- I remember the conversation! but, I'm really not anymore
18. being negative... ugh, I know, right? get over yourself! you=me
19. things aren't what I thought and nothing is perfect
20. the prospect of a lonely summer
21. the future
22. this really has damaged me

cool!

fuck, I am negative. This needs to stop. Pronto.

New limit: one sad blog a week! If that!

sigh, sigh, psyduck

larry david, you're my only friend

I thought coming home was supposed to cure my loneliness. I feel five times lonelier than I did in England. Maybe its the air. The week.

I know, this blog was suppose to be a move away from, "I'm so sad that I'm home". But hey, you can't really keep away the truth, can ya?

I got employee of the week at work though. Sick.

I've been watching a lot of Curb, so that's nice.

But all I do is work, come home, hang out alone, go to bed.

And the thing is... I have no desire to go out and see people, to call people, to meet up. It's not that I actually don't want to see people... I think about calling people; Poppy and Sam mainly... but I feel like I have no energy. Nothing to offer. Most of the time I'm just so mute and blank. I mope around without meaning to.

I'm in a funk, I guess.

Funk this!

Ohhhh.

And apparently lamebook is a real thing. shoot.

Though, it isn't making fun of look book.

18

Aaron and I have been officially in love for one and a half years. I say this because yes, Aaron told me he loved me on October 18th after a Jason Colette concert. And I already knew what my heart was saying, though my brain was saying, "baaaaaad idea!" and my mouth was saying, "uhhh no... nope. no. no."

Lamebook- yooooo

Lookbook is maybe the dumbest thing I have ever seen. You people do realize you all look basically the same, right? This was my first time really looking at the website and maaaan was it embarrassing. On the main page there were so many pictures of girls wearing the same pieces- things from H&M, American Apparel... and I'm pretty sure even Primark. Soooo unique!

And they all even pose the same way.

bugh.

I'm a fucking lone wolf over here.

I am boooored. Soooo bored.

I complain that I want a day off, and I finally get one and boom. I realize I may as well be working because fuck if I have a life. I could have been in Toronto today, but no. You know, I make every effort to travel down there, spend my like, one day off a week travelling on the go, the subway, the streetcar, walking to classes, paying for everything. And then I come home alone and do all that travel again pluuus the bus. And it blows. I want to be in Toronto. I want to be the one to be able to say, "well why don't you come and sleep over on Wednesday and then you can go home friday morning?"

Fuuuuuck this shit.

I'm having an art attack!!

Aaron and I decided to paint together the other day. The results?

this one is mine, but it's kind of cut off and not a great photo 'cause it is via the webcam.

it should be brighter.

and this little beauty is Aaron's!! Now tell me, what does that big blue/black shape look like?

Again, bad quality, maybe a little cut off, bad lighting.

this is one i did soon after i got home from england.

and this is another from a few weeks ago!

Now, I really don't claim to be an artist- I accept the fact that I kind of let myself down in high school art... but I do just really love to paint for fun.

Don't worry- this isn't an art blog, just a fun day Aaron and I had.

Don't we miss this?

Today walking along Yonge I heard two guys get into a kind of... confrontation, I guess... anyways the one guy started saying something like, "hey man- this is yonge and gerrard, ain't this where we shoot people? ain't this where people get shot??"

It was terrifying. I now hate that Aaron has to walk that way everyday.

I'm a changed person, my friends! (By the way.) But maybe not for the better. The goal is to be more optimistic! The goal is to resurrect the past! (Bad goal.) The goal is to forgive, but not forget! (How is this really possible?)

I miss friends.

Summer, I await your return with open arms- but pleeeease don't trick me. I just need a summer to get back to normal- I'm almost there. Riiiight?

And next, to redecorate!